Last minute shoppers and realism

First and foremost, stop panicking.  You’re in good company, with the countless thousands in your area alone who are flocking to the malls and thronging the roads right now.  That alone should make your blood run cold.  But didn’t I say don’t panic?  I meant it.  You don’t have to go to the mall at all.  Here are three solid alternatives to the mall that won’t leave you with Christmas egg on your face when the expectant brood looks to you for their happiness on that morning.

The option of announcing to the family smiling around the tree in their pajamas, that this year you’re doing something special, something meaningful, so go get dressed and ready to serve up soup to people who don’t have anything under the tree and no tree at all, and no you won’t take any back-talk, we’re doing this as a family just get in the car notwithstanding, you’ve got a couple of fallbacks.

With the exception of kids, and they’re easy to shut up with toys anyway, you can cop out on any gift and give gift cards.  This year it’s even easier than ever to give the gift that says “I thought of you eventually,” since places like Walgreens and Circle K carry the “Gift Card Mall.”  It’s a rack of gift cards from vendors like iTunes, Best Buy, and any place else you either can’t go physically or would be stupid to try this late in the game.  As long as you’re shopping at the gas station, go ahead and get some scratch-offs.  Nothing says Christmas miracle like a pennies from heaven.

If you can, shop at free-standing stores that you’d normally see in the mall, like book stores and stationary shops.  They have smarmy seasonal crap mixed in with things you’d probably not be embarrassed giving to your loved ones this year.  Books are a good choice, as are the CDs usually sold there.  Combine the two and get a book on CD, proclaiming to everyone that you value their time and have bought them the precious gift of multitasking.  Can’t read the book AND clean the house at the same time?  Here you go, honey.  Hell, if you’re really capable, buy a single magazine from the racks and then go online or on your phone (use the number printed on those millions of cards that will shower your feet as you flip through the pages showing you how your life could be, if you were better looking or smarter) and get a subscription for a gift.  Bonus: no wrapping.  Gift cards are sold here, too, so they can come and get their own damn crap.

But as long as you’re online, there’s still time to get everything shipped to you by the ‘Eve.  See if precious darling has a wish list on Amazon, a list that keeps on asking year-round.  Go and get those special iPod cozies, cuff links, or barbeque tongs, although it’s too late for engraving.  Sorry.  In fact, you’ll be biting your nails wondering if that overnight shipping will come through in the clutch, but you knew it’d come to this. Give the unique gift this year and register a domain for darling, join Facebook and make your kids your number one friend, or buy some Google AdWords proclaiming your affection for… someone.  It doesn’t really matter who.  As long as you’re giving kooky gifts, no one can say you’re a cheapskate or thoughtless for putting finding that one precious gift off until the extreme last minute.

So here’s what’ll really happen: for him, you’ll run to Autozone and put together a “gift pack” of wiper blades, shop towels, Armor All, chamois, and the all-powerful gift card.  Throw a Lowe’s card in there, too, while you’re at it.  You’ll dump it all into a bucket and top it with a bow and call the thing done.  For her, you’ll fight traffic to the malls, cause you’re a sucker and can’t think of a jewelry shop anywhere else, and you’ll get her something beautiful but ultimately empty and misconstrued.  For the brood, just give them money.  It’s what they want from you anyway.

Government should legislate MORE? Are you _crazy_??

So within my 10 minute drive to the bus station this morning, I heard 2 references on NPR to the government being asked to step in and legislate more.

1) The NFL network and Time-Warner (Austin) are all in a tissy because they didn’t play the Cowboy game on normal cable, and so people had to go to bars. Oh no, you might actually prevent a recession by spending money locally. Careful. Or oh no, you’ll have to go to someone’s house who has the NFL network, interact with them and their friends, and otherwise be social. Either way, you’re screwed. They asked the Texas legislature to intervene. For TV. For entertainment.

2) The government has been requested to monitor and keep track of how speculators affect world markets. Well, duh. Tangential to this, they’re expecting the fed to fuxor with interest rates again today, to bail us out of something horrible we got ourselves into.

Look, networks can broadcast what they want and to cable companies they want. Cable companies can carry them or not. (Don’t get me started on the monopoly cable companies have on MOST areas. That’s truly horrible.) It’s — stay with me here — entertainment. That’s all. It’s not like the cable company is denying us public tv or educational material we need to run our lives. Which, ya know, we all get from TV.

Furthermore, we got all those horrible mortgages. We said yes, we’ll pay that rate. Yes, I want a huge house in the right neighborhood. Yes, it’s as big as my neighbors’. Yes, I’m awesome by owning junk. Possessions make me cool!

If anything, let’s legislate how effing unwilling everyone is to be responsible for themselves. How about, let’s make a talking Jesus doll to tell our children Bible stories, cause we ain’t got time for that shiz.  Let’s legislate frowny faces, overweight, and every other form of not-my-fault unhappiness.  Heck, let’s take free will out altogether and just let some corrupt fat-cat decide on what is right and what is lobbied most lucratively.  Oh, but that’s not anyone I voted for, cause I also need someone to legislate me to vote, too.