Last minute shoppers and realism

First and foremost, stop panicking.  You’re in good company, with the countless thousands in your area alone who are flocking to the malls and thronging the roads right now.  That alone should make your blood run cold.  But didn’t I say don’t panic?  I meant it.  You don’t have to go to the mall at all.  Here are three solid alternatives to the mall that won’t leave you with Christmas egg on your face when the expectant brood looks to you for their happiness on that morning.

The option of announcing to the family smiling around the tree in their pajamas, that this year you’re doing something special, something meaningful, so go get dressed and ready to serve up soup to people who don’t have anything under the tree and no tree at all, and no you won’t take any back-talk, we’re doing this as a family just get in the car notwithstanding, you’ve got a couple of fallbacks.

With the exception of kids, and they’re easy to shut up with toys anyway, you can cop out on any gift and give gift cards.  This year it’s even easier than ever to give the gift that says “I thought of you eventually,” since places like Walgreens and Circle K carry the “Gift Card Mall.”  It’s a rack of gift cards from vendors like iTunes, Best Buy, and any place else you either can’t go physically or would be stupid to try this late in the game.  As long as you’re shopping at the gas station, go ahead and get some scratch-offs.  Nothing says Christmas miracle like a pennies from heaven.

If you can, shop at free-standing stores that you’d normally see in the mall, like book stores and stationary shops.  They have smarmy seasonal crap mixed in with things you’d probably not be embarrassed giving to your loved ones this year.  Books are a good choice, as are the CDs usually sold there.  Combine the two and get a book on CD, proclaiming to everyone that you value their time and have bought them the precious gift of multitasking.  Can’t read the book AND clean the house at the same time?  Here you go, honey.  Hell, if you’re really capable, buy a single magazine from the racks and then go online or on your phone (use the number printed on those millions of cards that will shower your feet as you flip through the pages showing you how your life could be, if you were better looking or smarter) and get a subscription for a gift.  Bonus: no wrapping.  Gift cards are sold here, too, so they can come and get their own damn crap.

But as long as you’re online, there’s still time to get everything shipped to you by the ‘Eve.  See if precious darling has a wish list on Amazon, a list that keeps on asking year-round.  Go and get those special iPod cozies, cuff links, or barbeque tongs, although it’s too late for engraving.  Sorry.  In fact, you’ll be biting your nails wondering if that overnight shipping will come through in the clutch, but you knew it’d come to this. Give the unique gift this year and register a domain for darling, join Facebook and make your kids your number one friend, or buy some Google AdWords proclaiming your affection for… someone.  It doesn’t really matter who.  As long as you’re giving kooky gifts, no one can say you’re a cheapskate or thoughtless for putting finding that one precious gift off until the extreme last minute.

So here’s what’ll really happen: for him, you’ll run to Autozone and put together a “gift pack” of wiper blades, shop towels, Armor All, chamois, and the all-powerful gift card.  Throw a Lowe’s card in there, too, while you’re at it.  You’ll dump it all into a bucket and top it with a bow and call the thing done.  For her, you’ll fight traffic to the malls, cause you’re a sucker and can’t think of a jewelry shop anywhere else, and you’ll get her something beautiful but ultimately empty and misconstrued.  For the brood, just give them money.  It’s what they want from you anyway.

Government should legislate MORE? Are you _crazy_??

So within my 10 minute drive to the bus station this morning, I heard 2 references on NPR to the government being asked to step in and legislate more.

1) The NFL network and Time-Warner (Austin) are all in a tissy because they didn’t play the Cowboy game on normal cable, and so people had to go to bars. Oh no, you might actually prevent a recession by spending money locally. Careful. Or oh no, you’ll have to go to someone’s house who has the NFL network, interact with them and their friends, and otherwise be social. Either way, you’re screwed. They asked the Texas legislature to intervene. For TV. For entertainment.

2) The government has been requested to monitor and keep track of how speculators affect world markets. Well, duh. Tangential to this, they’re expecting the fed to fuxor with interest rates again today, to bail us out of something horrible we got ourselves into.

Look, networks can broadcast what they want and to cable companies they want. Cable companies can carry them or not. (Don’t get me started on the monopoly cable companies have on MOST areas. That’s truly horrible.) It’s — stay with me here — entertainment. That’s all. It’s not like the cable company is denying us public tv or educational material we need to run our lives. Which, ya know, we all get from TV.

Furthermore, we got all those horrible mortgages. We said yes, we’ll pay that rate. Yes, I want a huge house in the right neighborhood. Yes, it’s as big as my neighbors’. Yes, I’m awesome by owning junk. Possessions make me cool!

If anything, let’s legislate how effing unwilling everyone is to be responsible for themselves. How about, let’s make a talking Jesus doll to tell our children Bible stories, cause we ain’t got time for that shiz.  Let’s legislate frowny faces, overweight, and every other form of not-my-fault unhappiness.  Heck, let’s take free will out altogether and just let some corrupt fat-cat decide on what is right and what is lobbied most lucratively.  Oh, but that’s not anyone I voted for, cause I also need someone to legislate me to vote, too.

Borrowed: rant on Ron Paul and Dennis Kucinich

From a post of a like-minded gent, regarding why people with new ideas are deemed “crazy” and won’t get elected:

You know who I find to be irritating?

Others.

If it wasn’t for them, all of Ron [Paul] and Dennis [Kucinich]’s ideas would work.

But others always mess this shit up.

Like that guy who ruined pumping gas before paying for everyone.

Stupid others.

In a country the size of America, where the push is on to make every state have the same laws as all of the others, under the supreme law of the Federal government, (instead of autonomous mini-countries loosely affiliated and banded together for mutual benefit), we are inevitably going to be left with middle of the road, politics as usual, blah blah blah, because in an effort to please all the millions of people , NO ONE is happy.

It will NEVER get better because there are Too. Many. Damn. People.

Thankfully, “bad” here compared to everywhere else is not even worth comparing, so there ya go.

I like watching TV and playing video games.
That will be all.

Blowing off steam, compliments of not-free incoming calls

Sometime ago I worked with a great friend with whom I stayed in contact.  I know, stay with me.  Anyway, I got the 800 number for her company and used it to chat with her on occasion.  Nothing horrible.  We didn’ t fleece the company or anything.  So once I mis-dialed the number and got some guys’ cell.  Why it was an 800 number I do not know.  He didn’t sound very business-y.  He was really short with me, which is ok, fine.  Uncalled for, though.  It doesn’t take any effort to not be a douche.  So I redialed and got him again, still by accident.  This time he recognized my voice and yelled “Get the F*() off my phone!” and hung up.

Let the games begin.

From that point, anytime I was feeling annoyed at work I would call him and waste his time and incoming minutes.  Repeatedly.  I would also put his number into any web form that I thought might actually use to call me.  In the same way, I use spam@[websitei'mat].com for my email address.  And guess what?  It’s often already in the system.  But I digress.

So the moral of this story is don’t be a douche.  It doesn’t take time or effort to simply not be a jerk.  And if you are and your number ends up on some list somewhere, maybe you’ll know why.  Just sayin.

Travel and interwebs. Haven for jerks.

Two quick things. First, there’s a recipe for trampling that begins like this: “Passengers needing extra time to board or travelling with small children, and all First Class paggengers are welcome to board at this time.”

This translates into a bunch of jerks cutting off a woman with a stroller, in some cases looking at her trying to get into “line” (a term I put in quotes as it is so much more akin to a seething blob of huma-cattle) only long enough to make sure their briefcase and wheelie bags don’t hit her. Or maybe they thought she was horning in on their stuff. Not sure. Don’t care. Point is, they didn’t have the decency to let her go first with her kid. It’s kind of like the sign in the T that urges passengers to let pregnant women sit first. Sheesh!

Second, people online are jerks. They post nasty comments* and troll forums. Get a blog and rant in it, like this. Kick puppies on your own time. *grump*

*So far comments here have been pretty nice, and I appreciate that.  I’m actually talking about comments on other blogs that are legitimate and add value to the world’s knowledge.  But if you need to blow off steam, this is the place.

Blacklisting puffy and fluffy

Look, “puffy” and “fluffy” are not terms appropriate to a scientific discovery.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060914/ap_on_sc/puffy_planet_1

Astronomers find distant, fluffy planet

Sorry. That doesn’t fly. Neither does the line “along with a second, smaller distant world that’s also puffier than theories would have predicted.”  Puffier than theories predicted?  Never the twain shall meet!
Are verbal standards really so low now that we have to say “puffy” and “fluffy” instead of “less dense” or perhaps even “lighter weight”. Of course, maybe then we’d have to talk about mass versus weight, and that just won’t do.

Is this choice of words so that people who ordinarily would have ignored the discovery of a new planet would take note, perhaps thinking some new fad in planets has made Jupiter the new Earth?  It’s totally orange and pink.  And have you checked out that storm?  So dramatic.  I wouldn’t wear that storm during the day, but it’s ok because planets only come out at night… like, right?

Come on, guys. Planets don’t resemble pink fuzzy accessories. They are not named “Fifi”. They are not puffy and fluffy. Ever.

Karr not guilty? Stop the presses. Please.

Come on, the guy just needed a free ride home from Thailand.  He was there, taught school like a day, realized what horrible trolls most children are, and figured out a way to get a first class ticket home.  15 minutes of fame while he was at it, too.  Talk about VIP treatment.

I think from the first 5 minutes of news coverage, some time before Hezbollah and Israel agreed to monumental peace, some time while we’re still fighting in Iraq and that place we never hear about called Afghanistan, some time when there are about a million more newsworthy things going on, he had a pretty airtight alibi, being in a completely different state with JonBenet was killed.

Maybe he is delusional, but I think the guy just wanted a get-out-of-Asia-and-out-of-teaching-free card.  I know lots of teachers who only work a few miles away from home and they’d take the Karr option just to never have to see a chalkboard again.  Maybe he got a cash enticement from the Ramseys to boot.  Pay off his student loans or something.  In the end, no harm, no foul, and the press got like two weeks STRAIGHT of an orgy.  Shoot, maybe the media moguls paid him, not the Ramsey family.

Freedom is synonymous with SUV?

Unbelievable.  W actually said about Iraq, “Leaving before we complete our mission would create a terrorist state in the heart of the Middle East, a country with huge oil reserves that the terrorist network would be willing to use to extract economic pain from those of us who believe in freedom”?

What mission?  Saddam, gone.  WMD, lie exposed.  Oil?  Oh, right the oil’s still there and we don’t own it yet.   So I guess those of us who believe in freedom must obviously drive cars with huge tanks and dualies, since those would be the ones feeling the economic pain from high gas prices.
Here’s a hint:  drive less.  Drive smaller vehicles. Drive more efficient vehicles.  Or hey, support alternative fuel research?  Hmm.  Maybe all the money we put into the war “on terror” in Iraq might, ya know, be used for some scientist to discover a way we can all use solar, wind, or something we haven’t even thought of yet, affordably.  Imagine that!  Not having to pay for utilities.  Aw, Bushie’s buddies in the oil fields would be out of business.  Now that is “terror”ble.

Yes, I ride a bike.  But I also paid fifty bucks yesterday to fill up my truck.  And you know what?  I only drive the truck when I have to haul something big. Since I’m constantly doing construction projects, I PLAN AHEAD and make sure to maximize my trips.  Comes out to once a week or every 2 weeks, even when someone borrows the truck.  Other trips, especially groceries, go by car, and smaller trips by bike.  If I’m getting grocerties that don’t include refilling my water gallons, I definitely do a bike.  Even ice cream and milk.

Should Americans be free to buy the biggest cars they want? Unfortunately for the environment and our children, yes.  Fortunately for freedoms we uphold, yes.  Should we go to war to make it easier to pay for your huge beast of a car?  No way.  It’s not worth lives.  If you want to exercise your freedom to buy a huge guzzling car, be prepared to pay for that luxury.  If you have lots of children that require you to use a large car, sorry.  It’s all part of the price of having kids.  Just like diapers, baby-sitters, and food.  It’s what we sign on for during orgasm.  Deal.

What is the friggin point?  1) I believe in freedom, and it’s not synonymous with lower oil prices.  2) The war in Iraq is clearly a huge ruse, and clearly about oil as it has been all along.  3) Our president is a fucktard and has lied to us repeatedly.  4) It’s a rant.  It doesn’t have to have a point.

I scorn you back

You* scorn bicyclists?  Well I scorn you right back, oh sucker of resources.  Remember that South Park where everyone got “Pious” cars?  Yeah, that’s me on my bike.  I don’t use oil.  I don’t pay the fat-cat industries that profit from oil and, oh yeah, any wars that may be taking place in oil-rich areas.  wink
I just put my life into the hands of 16-year-old who barely remember to stop at lights, much less how to deal with smaller vehicles “suddenly” in their lane because for the last mile they were hunting around for the perfect CD to be the soundtrack to their mad late-for-my-summer-job ride.  That’s all.

What do I get out of it?  An adrenaline rush every time I bike to get some groceries, exercise, and a sense of self-righteousness that you can only get from green activities or political office.

Oh, and as for your revenge you’re plotting even now, I’ll probably survive most accidents, and you’ll be paying for me to learn how to use my new wheels and watching as I park in the super-close spaces right by the front door of every business.   And I’ll still feel self-righteous.  You’ll still be angry.  Only now, you’ll have less money to do anything about it, and you’ll have your very own stigma for the rest of your life.  Same goes for itf I don’t survive, only add to everything some jail time for manslaughter.  How do you like those apples, crippler?

*”You” being the motorists whom I’ve encountered in my bike rides, per the previous post.

Bicycle stigmas

I’m sure in other areas of this country and in other countries altogether biking is considered a perfectly viable mode of transportation. In my neck of the woods, not so much.

Here, bikes are not only misunderstood, they’re downright scorned. If you ride down the street on your own power, you’re looked at as either too poor to be considered human or just the crazy/stupid combo that gets dirty or piteous looks.

So consequently, cars not only don’t know how to deal with bikes (hint: they’re vehicles just like cars are), they become rather hostile, gun their engines, and pass regardless of oncoming traffic or lane restrictions. It’s a lot of fun for everyone. I take it as a sure sign that these guys will not ever take the brain cells to wonder whether there are rules of the road for bikes.

There are people. Just keep your freaking eyes open and watch for those little two-wheeled cars that look so vulnerable. I swear we won’t take up your road space much, and we certainly won’t be using any of your gas and oil that is becoming so