American materialism cum carry-on bags

I recently read and responded to a very harmless blog entry about airline bag fees. Evidently European Ryanair is going to charge for bags that are checked. I commented that in America, it would simply result in people carrying on even more crap than they already do. Well, comments continued and basically we came to America = materialistic society.

So. Here’s my double-pointed beef. One, I can’t stand how long it takes to load a plane these days. I mean, first of all everyone jumps up at the first announcement, like oh yeah, they all have small children, wheelchairs, and first-class tickets. Because of the mad rush to board the plane en masse, there is without fail the one person in the front or middle of the plane who struggles to fit their wheelie bag into the bins. *shudder* Look, for one thing most planes, although admittedly not all, are designed for those wheelies to go wheels-out. Try it. Just see if the door will close over it. No really. I’ll be HAPPY to wait the 5 seconds for you to try that rather than for you to thoughtlessly sling your crap in sideways, taking up two-thirds of the compartment for your bag that you should have just checked anyway.

Ok, now we who were so eager to get up and board the plane are all waiting for you, and yes, you should have waiting for your rows to be called, or they shouldn’t call rows to board at all. I mean… if no one pays attention to them then why waste time on an already-taxed employee? Screw it, I say. Just let us all on. We do it anyway. You don’t stop us. Why should you? Save yourself some frustration.

Next, why why why why must everyone carry all their crap on board to begin with? Just check the dadgum bags. Are you going somewhere that you can’t wait ten minutes for your bags to come around? Or are you so afraid that you will have to wait for your crap to arrive with you at your destination?

Here’s where the materialism comes in. Do one of two things for me, America: either 1) pack all your crap into a carry-on sized bag. A standard, 15x9x21″ bag. This can, in a pinch, fit under the seat in front of you. No, really. Your crap won’t fit? Yeah it will. I can fit five days’ worth of business-casual into a larger-than-daypack sized backpack. It’s carry-on sized. I can even fit a second pair of shoes in there. And hair machineries. And even my own toothpaste and shampoo and whatever else I feel like I will miss. And.. I have room left over. I even have room in my very small backpack in which I pack my laptop and cords and book and water and all that crap that I really will need when I land.

But if you feel that’s simply not enough room, ok. Then do this: 2) check your big bag. That wheelie is really too large to be considered a carry-on. Really. And the wheels/handle combo add to the weight you’re just lugging around for the fun and satisfaction of having your undies and extra socks at your fingertips at all times. Check the bag and do not fear the loss of your precious clothing. It really will make it to your destination. And if it doesn’t? Great. New clothes that you obviously love so very very much to own and keep with you. Just.. let it go, man.

Sheesh. Whatever you do, just don’t clog up the aisles trying futiley to fit your big-assed bag while the rest of us hope that you and your army of like-minded comrades do not personally cause us to miss our connection at the other end of the flight. Or, God forbid, that you cause us to not be able to find a place for our own small-sized carry-on that we will then (Eeek!) have to check.

skids row

Alright. Time to be completely frank. Or more than usual anyway. And personal. Too-much-information personal. So stop reading now, because this rant is gross. I mean it.

Look, I don’t clean the house as much as I should. I clean when I can’t stand it anymore. Why should I spend my precious precious free time cleaning up? If I make a mess, I clean it. If someone else makes a mess (I’m looking in your direction, manchild o’ mine) they should clean it up. I hate cleaning what I didn’t mess up.

Toilets and floors get dirty gradually, so they’re easy to put off until you stick to them. So ok. Why then, when I finally clean the bowl, does a mighty greasy skid mark get left within hours? It’s sad, really. I mean, is the manchild saving up for a special occasion? Just waiting to make the deposit on a nice clean slate? Is the thought, nay the sight, of a fresh canvas of porcelin enough to turn him around to go fetch that book he’s been meaning to read? Why oh why must they read in the toilet? I am convinced the skid intensity is proportional to the time spent on the john.

I could go on more about man-poo, and in fact I think I’ll have to devote a category to it at some point, but I have to go clean. Again.

Oprah … Oh, Oprah.

Ya know… some of the things Oprah does make me smile. “Good, it’s about time someone teaches women that that fish smell is not normal.” “Wow, free cars to the audience…” “Gee, her magazine sure does seem upbeat.”

But then I’m like, “Ew!!” “Hey… who pays for all the taxes and crap on those cars? What do the people do with the cars they drove to the studio in? Do they get charged extra parking until they can come back for their old jalopies?” “WHY does she have to be on the front of every single cover? Isn’t it enough to have the magazine named after you and run by you??”

I mean… come on. Why not put some of those commoners you help up on the front? Some kid in a wheelchair and his blind mother? That’s a magazine cover, man. Plus you get mad props for not making people read the articles inside to know you’ve helped someone in need. What? You want to be on that cover, too?

Look, I’ve never read your magazine. I’ll be honest. And I don’t want to. The first year or so I was like hey, she’s on all the covers. Isn’t that amusing. Now I’m just thinking it’s sad. Oprah, you’re America’s sweetheart. The shining star in the flat gloom of the midwest. You don’t have to be all up in our faces, too. People who love you will continue to do so. Plus that tossed salad thing will keep you in our hearts and minds for some time to come. Just … give it a rest, man!

Worst.. boss.. evar

Maybe, just maybe I’ve been lucky at all my previous jobs and had a whole slew of great bosses and only now am finding the more typical bosses. But, after having 4 different bosses in the same year, I’m seeing some serious evidence that this guy really stinks.

This could take a while, so I’ll break it down:

Exhibit A: fires over half the department and brings in his cronies. Some of the leaving employees were escorted out of the building. Like criminals. They got about 5 minutes’ notice to leave. In one case, we surviving few had gone out to lunch and were wondering who would be next. I pointed at the one who indeed would become the next victim. I wish so much I had been wrong, because his was the worst. It was another colleague’s last day, and the two had worked closely for many years. As she gave her goodbyes around 4pm, we could not find our other guy. We got herded into a meeting, sans the she-leaver, and were told the dude was gone effective 5 seconds ago. She-leaver didn’t get a chance to say goodbye to him, and the rest of us were left stunned and, now, in the same boat of non-closure.

Ok, maybe this is a more common scenario than I think. But further to Exhibit A, new boss lied about the cronies coming in. We were told they were contractors hired for specific tasks during the 2 weeks. Yeah, specifically to learn the jobs of the people they were replacing. Specifically to learn the quickest route to the elevators to take the victims outside and shoot them.

Doesn’t matter now, as I’m the final bowling pin. It had been a 7-10 split, but #7 left (on his own, luckily for him) after much friction with the new boss and new cronies. So, #10 here ain’t talking. Except here, of course.

Final addendum to exhibit A: cronies not only cannot do their own jobs, but have now brought in minions to do the jobs for them. So cronies and boss have the quintessential “management” jobs that require nothing more, in their eyes, than clicking the “forward” button and emailing an underling to “see below”. Worst, and what’s set me off today: I generated the required information for superboss and undermanagers 2 weeks ago. One of those undermanagers emailed me and asked for the same list. Fine. I forwarded him the sent mail, showing the original send date and his own name on the list. Oh wait. Can I send that to the person who’s asking undermanager for it? What?? You wasted the time for an email to me to ask me to forward this very message to someone else?

Dude, that email ain’t all you’re wasting.

US attempts to sidestep guilt with finger-pointing

Oh, yes. This makes me feel soooo much better about being an American. This article says the US outsourced its torture to Europe and so it was highly likely that European officials knew all along that we are assh0les.

So, let’s unsully our pristine reputation as wonderful world citizens by saying a) we’re not to blame because we only ordered the tortures rather than committed them ourselves and b) everyone knew about it anyway!

Yeah, culpability is not mitigated by disclosure. Guilt is not lessened by being merely the officer commanding the troops who pulled the triggers. Didn’t we learn anything from Hitler and his “just following orders” war criminals? No matter how you look at that, those guys are guilty regardless of whose fingerprints are on the smoking gun. Or, if you take the tack of “just following orders” then fine: in this case, America is the officer ordering European torturers who are, in turn, “just following orders.”

This does not make things any better for us, guys. Let’s go: be men and take what’s coming. If we’re guilty, we’re guilty. Admit the world thinks we’re dinks and do the time. It’s only going to make it worse for us if you keep playing these IDIOTIC games. Which, oh by the way, everyone sees straight through.

Hurricane Katrina fubar is NOT news

One word: DUH.

The gov was warned about Katrina’s impact before disaster.

Why, oh news media, waste another article on it? Here’s breaking news: “Bush trips over own words, says something stupid.” “Sun still firmly in the sky.” “Senate committtee still planning to vote on Alito.” “Government officials confuse heads, holes in ground.”

Is there nothing newsworthy today? That is, nothing shocking and depressing? Here’s a thought: if there’s no real news — or at least nothing so horrible that you can’t jar nerves and cause a click-through — take the friggin day off.

Go fug yourself: rave!

Big thumbs up to the folks who harangue the rich and famous. Surely their notoriety demands we ridicule them for stupid wardrobe mistakes! For us no-names, there’s only the potential that one of our “friends” rats us out to the “What not to wear” tv cameras, giving us an entire hour of our very own embarrassment. There’s a silver lining there, of course, as the victims emerge swan-like to their former duckling selves.

But for now, those of us who lurk like 30-year-olds in our parents’ basements can rejoice that even the beautiful among us have flaws. Seeping, ugly, scabrous flaws. Thank the internet and Hollywood gods for colluding to give us such delicious entertainment!

I’ve added a link to the site so as to never miss a single bash on those I’m told magazine cover after magazine cover that I’m supposed to worship, dress like (?!), and torture my body to resemble.

Another flawed survey that says whatever it wants

At least this one isn’t showing how millions of Americans think Bush is the right pick for President.  Oh, wait.

Anyway, this one says that the more education we have, the more we believe in ghosts.  The survey goes on to say it polled less than 500 college students.  Listen, there are certain times in college when you believe in the autonomous rights of your bathroom rug and the existence of gnarly dudes who channel good vibes when you are in the right “state of mind.”

Please, scientific community, let us not take to heart what 500 college students say.  I messed with a few surveys myself, in college, just to see whose stats I could screw up.  And I was one of the sober kids!  Hmm.  Maybe that’s why I’m so ranty now…

Article is here, found (appropriately) through space.com

Sex yogurt

So.. I’m not sure if this is a rant or a rave or just a “myah!!!”

Scientists have “altered the genetics of the bacteria [such as in yogurt] so they generate cyanovirin, a drug that has prevented HIV infection…” At first, I’m thinking that a yogurt that acts as a passive immunization to HIV is great.  I still think that.  But then I came across another use of it in the article, “Cyanovirin could be put into gels that women would apply to the vagina before sex.”  Myahh!!  Excuse me, baby, I need to go get my yogurt.

Because.. you know some cheapskate is gonna try to use their yogurt thus.   Then again, I guess it wouldn’t hurt to vaccinate the partner as long as you’re at it.  You do the anatomical math.

Here’s the original article.  No, they don’t condone such uses of yogurt.  But obviously, unless things like “not a step” and “caution; contents very hot” are written on an item, people will somehow misuse an article and complain later that they weren’t expressly toldhow not to use it.

Because we don’t invade enough countries as it is

Let’s just make a blanket statement and say “if you’re brown and you have oil, we have reason to invade you.”

Rice says Iran is brown and has oil.

Look, we all know the detour to Iraq from Afghanistan was totally pride- and oil-based. Please don’t insult the world population, nevermind just Americans anymore, and say that Iran is some big target now. Come on, fhqwhgads. We know the deal. Just say “They’re brown, they worship differently than we do, and they have rich oil deposits that we want to get our hands on. Oh! And they repress women. Right! Don’t forget repression, y’all. That and America is quickly falling as the world super-duper power and we need a quick fix for our ego. Yeah!”

Addendum: Even the Onion agrees with me on the fading of America!! And they’re never wrong.  Ever.

-rhapsody